Dear Six Year Old Self: Do Not Date Rockstars
Knowing what I know now, this is important...
It’s me, you! From the future! I don’t wanna sound like a parent, but trust me girl, knowing what I know now, this is important: You Must Not Date Any Rockstars.
80’s pop culture and the unending societal patriarchy will have led you to believe that you need to marry a rich rockstar - but I must heavily advise you, DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Remember how mom lived through the wild fangirl culture of the Beatles? And how we watched the romanticized tale of “groupies” on TV as a preteen? Though it may actually help nurture your problem-solving skills, stalking boy bands is not a real job, and you should probably spend your time doing something more useful. This is sort of like that part in “Back to the Future” where Doc comes back and tells Marty not to do dumb sh*t that will f*ck up the future…and despite this being the future, we don’t have access to any Deloreans or any sort of time machines, so you have just one shot at getting it right.
Another thing you need to know is that Dad will fiercely raise you to not rely on anyone, especially a man. He will imbue in your brain that you are nothing short of an independent woman, and it will cause you to have a big mouth and say things you are “not supposed to.” Things like “Wow, who’s dick did you suck to get that??” or “You have to double check me because I have tits?” when in mixed company.
Dad being a musician himself will cause you to believe that other musicians are capable of being a good father and husband, while being wildly talented and constantly surrounded by much younger, hotter, women who are willing to do God-knows-what to be famous — yet, still come home and be a really good dad. Your romanticization of such a man will cause you strife, deter the “normal” ones from bringing you home to mom, and at the same time attract the musicians who will appreciate your wild stallion ways in exchange for inspiration, i.e. being the subject matter for a hit song. You must keep away from any and all musicians who will use their talents to mystify, confuse, disorient, and worst of all fall in love. You cannot end up being a woman like “Jenny”, “Delilah” or god forbid, “Roxanne.”
Of course you’ll find every musicians’ confidence, long hair, and swagger to be of appeal, but it’s designed this way to ruin your life. You must attempt to not idolize rock stars and boy bands and definitely not Grease’s leather-jacket- wearin’ Danny Zuko. Dad will take you backstage at a New Kids on the Block concert where there will be many teenage girls losing their minds just by being in close vicinity to a few guys who can sort of harmonize and do a few dance moves. Yes, they will be good-looking, this is part of the smoke and mirrors. You will think to your six-year-old self, “Wow, getting close to these guys must make you really cool.” Hoping for any sort of long term relationship with any of these men is a recipe for delusion, jealousy, and despair.
It will be hard to resist, I can assure you of that. You will be bombarded with magazines with photos and disgustingly cute Q&As of these musicians, making them seem relatable, and worst of all romantic and like-able. It is a sham. I’ll let you get away with a few *Nsync dolls and concerts, and even an appearance on TRL begging fans to vote for the Backstreet Boys, as this is likely to make you a very social and culturally aware person. You will need to somehow convince yourself that dating a rockstar is not the coolest thing that anyone could possibly do, ever. IT IS NOT.
You will romanticize men with guitars and “feelings”. Just because he has a guitar, does not mean he can play, it does not mean he has “feelings” or even any confirmation of human life for that matter. A specific note for any men you may come across who pull out guitars at parties: THIS IS A TRICK. Remember to stay away from the “I play two John Mayer songs at parties to get attention” type of guys, and more importantly the “I wrote a top 40 hit for Avril Lavigne” type of guys. You must keep one very suspicious eye out and a few drum-sticks length away from these guys at all times.
As an adult, your friends will poke fun at you calling your attraction to rock stars your “Whale Song,” meaning if a guy can halfway play a couple bar chords on a guitar, this is like your “whale” singing his mating song, calling to you like soul mates. You’ll start to believe that anyone who can write a good song, seems to be a person who has some sort of magical power. It is NOT MAGIC. It is poetry wrapped in delicious chords and lies.
You will become a music journalist because you love music. Okay, you will become a music journalist because it could also serve as an easy rolodex of available musicians, ones that could likely play more than just bar chords. But you must be careful, because this job will also attract the ones who aren’t available, maritally and more importantly emotionally, sometimes even physically if world tours are part of the equation. As the fictional version of Lester Bangs said in your future favorite movie “Almost Famous”, “You must not become friends with the band,” and that should also include “getting coffee” with the band, helping the band “find tour clothes”, “having a drink with” the band and ultimately DATING the band.
This won’t stop you. I just know it. Some of the musicians you date will go on to win multiple Grammys, and date “influencers” that seemingly fit more snugly into their same “tier” of people, completely forgetting that you both love all the same bands and reference the same idiot pop-punk lyrics from the mid-2000s. If it wasn’t fate that he recognized your mini tattoo of your favorite bands’ logo on your arm from across the room the night you met, which also happens to be one of his favorite bands, then is fate even a thing?
Some of these musicians will abandon LA and decide to date women in pop-country bands. He will completely forget that you know that he sob-cries when he watches the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. Others will add you to “the list” to come to the Staples Center to see them play a song that is secretly about you. You’ll sit there, vodka sprite in-hand, and remember he sent you a phone recording of this song six months ago. The other girls will be doe-eyed and buy t-shirts, and you’ll almost remember what it was like to feel that way for New Kids On The Block. Only by now, you’ve seen too much.
Most of them will forget about the sweater they gave you to borrow until they got back from tour, which they’ll never get back and you’ll leave hanging in the closet just in case. They will be the ones who still text you back by only writing one sentence, or silently “liking” the text you sent — acknowledging your existence only as a “possible fan” now and, forgetting they really ever knew you or how he chivalrously protected you from the weird homeless man after that party the night he said he couldn’t publicly or officially date you.
I don’t know what types of guys will be the “right ones” to steer you away from heart ache. I could tell you to only date dermatologists, or men in finance, because at least then you’d have a steady bank account and possibly a lifetime supply of free botox. I suppose obsessing over boy bands is a better addiction than say, heroin.
In fact, I’m almost certain that a perfect dermatologist boyfriend you might find instead will likely break your heart too. You’ll have great skin, but bad news: you’re unfortunately a secret hopeless romantic. And “finance” doesn’t have any sort of romantic ring to it at all. Also, I am positive that no guy who wears a suit to work everyday could ever be as fun as laying in that emo-banged boyfriends’ lap while he tries to put chords to his stupid lyrics about you. And though you could have a life of stability, hell, even normalcy as some folks call it, there might not be any greater joy than obtaining an overly sweaty shirt worn for an entire tour, or hearing that song played in a stadium that no one knows is actually about you.
Luckily, the song won’t have your name in it. With that said, I won’t retract any of my former statements. I can confirm you’ll have a bunch of dates with some very talented musicians, who will prove to be all the things musicians traditionally are known for like being unfaithful and selfish… but really, please don’t let that deter you from trying to find your “whale.”
Those late nights chasing the tour bus, and hoping for a glimpse of Justin Timberlake’s ramen noodle hair will be some of the best nights of your life. Part of the fun of life will be digging through the Bruce Springsteen knock-offs, kissing cigarette-flavored guitarists’ lips, and having sushi with future number one producers that are way too young for you.
In fact, you should explore all the types of “whales” in the world. Maybe the finance “whales” too. Heck, maybe you’ll find a “whale” who is half dermatologist and plays in a “jam band” with his friends. At least he won’t be boring. I suppose I’ll only advise you to be careful. Mostly, have fun, love hard, and at least try for a musician who can make “your song” a multi-platinum certified single boasting your greatness (not your name), oh, and his broken heart.
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