Do Men Not Like Flowers?

...or maybe they just don't like ME?

I’m a Leo, and though I’m not certain of it, I thinkkkk my love language is gift giving. Not as in, “getting gifts”, but as in me giving gifts and seeing people’s reactions. Anyone who has received a gift from me knows that I usually try super hard to remember something you mentioned a while back that you think I didn’t hear you say, and then I do everything I can possibly do to get that thing into your hands. I do this because I love to see the look on people’s faces when they think, “Oh my gosh, you actually remembered something I said??” 

Unfortunately, gift giving when it comes to men is super hard. At least for me. I’ve had a few winners like my ex boyfriend Bobby, who decided it was the most hilarious thing for Paul Rudd to be wearing a T-shirt with his own bearded mugshot on it in a scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin. For his birthday that year, I had a fake mugshot of Bobby’s face made with a beard, and slapped it on a t-shirt for him. He legit cry-laughed and still wears that shirt to this day (that was over ten years ago). I think of that gift as some of my best work, and that’s just ONE example. 

But there was this one time recently, that I was working super hard to get the attention of this musician I liked. His album was coming out, and he was having a big release party. I wanted to get him a gift so he would A) know for a fact that I liked him and B) Not forget I was at the giant party in a sea of hundreds of other girls (Because as a Leo, we love attention). 

So since I had been to his house before, I decided I would ship one of those “Year Long Boxed Roses” (you’ve probably seen the ads for them on IG) to his house and a card that said “congratulations on your album release”. and some other mushy BS that I can’t remember. I remember I chose the color orange, because it was a mixture of Yellow (friendship) and Red (for love). I tend to think about shit like this way too hard, but I didn’t wanna send RED and look like I was saying I LOVE YOU and I didn’t wanna send YELLOW and be like GOOD JOB FRIEND.

I shipped a single rose in a velvet black box the morning of the album release, which was the morning after the huge party. I had expected that as soon as he got it, he would call me and tell me how thoughtful and sweet it was, and I could explain why I chose ORANGE and make myself seem super deep, IDK maybe profess my love for him or something between jokes… However, that morning came and went… I called the delivery place to make sure it made it there, and they confirmed it did. I waited for another two days, in case maybe he was still recovering from the party or dealing with album release interviews or whatever… but by the end of the week, I had heard nothing still. 

Finally, I texted him and asked if he received anything from me. He responded with, a very convincing “That was from YOU?? It didn’t have a card!” So I told him why I chose the color orange, and what it was supposed to say inside the card, and he of course said it smelled so nice and he put it in his kitchen so he could smell it/look at it while he drank his coffee. And I was like YES, I’M IN, and also, the delivery place must have mistakenly forgotten to include the card…  Weirdddddd. 

So, also because I’m a Leo, I called the flower place and bitched about how they forgot to put the card in and ruined my surprise. Only thing is, the girl I spoke to SWORE on her grandmother’s grave that she wrote the note herself and repeated it back to me over the phone. She did not sound like she was lying. She actually sounded slightly afraid of me. So then, was there some way it fell off then? Maybe it was on the floor of his house somewhere?? We didn’t know. She even wrote a NEW one and shipped a second rose (this time a white one, and free of charge) to make sure the card got there. And what do you know…. He didn’t text to say thank you for that one either!! 

Eventually, I started to think, “maybe this guy doesn’t like flowers?” Or like, “Maybe he just doesn’t like ME?” but Damn, not even a THANK YOU? Now that’s just rude! So being the Leo I am, I sulked in my bed and wondered why I am so extra and why he didn’t like, profess his love for me with that first fucking rose — I mean ORANGE was f*cking clever AF. And then I started to think maybe I’m like super overbearing and he was embarrassed to have roses delivered to his house and I should have sent something like a cake or pizza instead? 

So I call him up and say “hey, I know you got that second one, I double checked the fed ex delivery, why you gotta be rude and not even say Thank you?!?” And he says that he “feels like gift giving is contrived”, like he would then “owe me something” because of the gift I gave him. I have given many gifts and I’ve literally never heard of this… like most people love gifts and free shit and at least say thanks, even if they don’t turn around and like, let’s say, propose. 

So I’ve seen that movie He’s Just Not That Into You, and like, I get it. Regardless of if he feels this way about gift giving, this guy was NOT into me, and I wasn’t gonna sit around sending anymore gifts to his stupid unappreciative ass. I mean, I GAVE him a replica of Ryan Gosling’s jacket from Drive because I thought it would look better than his stupid NASCAR jacket that he wore on stage. YES, I GAVE IT TO HIM. And like, do you know how good that jacket looked on ME? Sigh. 

My love language is gift giving — I don’t want anything back from you, I just feel fuzzy when YOU feel fuzzy. It’s a thing, and when I give you a gift that you don’t seem thankful for or surprised in the least, when I don’t even get a laugh or a “that was thoughtful” — I am OFFENDED.

So now, this musician is engaged to some other girl, which like fine, I probably dodged a bullet like Keanu doing backbends in The Matrix. But you know what he did that really puts the nail in the coffin?? He texts me out of the blue one day and says, “Hey you know that amazing silk eye mask and travel set you got for me because Tom Brady had the same one and you know I’m obsessed with him? I left the mask on a plane, do you think you can send me another one?” 

Like, the audacity.