***Spoilers n’ stuff…not BIG ones, excuse the pun***
So I’m a little late to watching this one, only because my mother has been around a lot and she’s a nice lil Catholic lady who can only stand “implied sex” and not “graphic thrusting sex” on TV shows or movies. I mean, she and I watched Bridgerton together, and that was awkward AF. Luckily, she plays solitaire on her iPad when there are sex scenes on the screen, so she just conveniently gets really into the game when there’s random nudity happening. This is unlike my father, who just screams, “WHY IS THERE SEX HAPPENING ON MY TV??” Nowadays, they need parental controls where you can hide shows like this from your PARENTS, not just your kids!
It used to be that MPAA ratings gave shows an “X” rating if they showed more than one obvious thrust — with this show, I think there are upwards of ten thrusts or more per episode (per scene even, but like, who’s counting?), so does that mean this gives it like, a XXX rating or…. I kept thinking after the 11th and 12th thrusts, like, shouldn’t this be on PornHub?
Before I even watched the show, I had already heard about Brad’s full frontal on the interwebs, and had even investigated a slow motion video clip sent to me by a friend. She was asking if I thought his very large penis was a prosthetic or not…
I assume my friend was asking me, because if you work in entertainment, you learn to recognize things like bad wigs, cheap prosthetic noses, and other bad makeup mistakes made simply because someone didn’t hire their drag queen best friend who can fashion an old plastic Party City wig into an amazing art piece. But with this one, I couldn’t really tell… there was a shower involved and the water drops were making it look a lil’ more realistic than if it had been in say, an extreme close up with like, beauty lighting where I could actually see detail. But also, prosthetics that can withstand water?? Such sorcery.
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Thanks to my job, I can spot a bad wig almost immediately. Thanks to early 2000’s fashion, I can spot bad extensions in under two seconds. I seem to have a keen eye for that moment when a filmmaker tries to be like, “No one will notice, this is good enough,” when it’s not actually good enough. I also work with VFX artists, who have taught me to look for specific things to know if something is in fact fake. For example, when the world started posting CG Women as “Models”, they were able to show me “eye size to head size” ratios to prove that something wasn’t real or had been grossly exaggerated. Also, the Kardashians.
Admittedly, I am unsure of proper shaft to head ratios, so there could very well be some VFX magic — I mean, I’ve seen the most realistic macaroni and cheese made only on a computer, and it made me SUPER hungry. So it's entirely possible. I mean, the veins look real AF.
So I googled the OG most iconic prosthetic penis: Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights, for comparison. I know that movie was made in the 90’s — so because it wasn’t shot in HD and was in a Wide shot, we can say that probably the grain of the film helped to disguise any obvious indications. But looking back on it now, it seems a little more obvious that it's not real. Also, kinda skinny compared to Brad. Like, if Dirk Diggler was booking jobs because of THAT, imagine what Brad could be making? And also, does Brad need an agent/manager? Asking for a friend…
Alas, another friend of mine told me this one had been debunked, and I found a somewhat reliable source that Brad’s dong is supposedly real. Also, this makes total sense now that it could be shot in WATER and not like, get completely destroyed. Could you imagine having to reset the scene if it WAS prosthetic? You’d need like multiples, and like, lots of glue…
Prosthetics aside, let’s discuss the plot…
Despite the obvious that Brad is somehow better than Cooper, simply because of dong size and like, number of orgasms and Kama Sutra knowledge — the story of this show is kind of annoying. This woman is married to a super hot dude, they have an amazing home, he has an amazing job that he’s really good at, she gets to stay home for as long as she wants to raise her small children…. And yet she’s still complaining that she misses her toxic AF ex boyfriend??
I mean, sounds a little like my life — except for the amazing home, amazing husband, and small children part. But I have that “missing your toxic AF ex boyfriend” part DOWN. Also though, I KNOW better than to sit around missing our wild escapades, and I also realize he had MORE TERRIBLE things about him than good.
I pay my therapist a lot of money to remind me of that.
And I know, like logic says if this character got her head out of her ass there wouldn’t be a TV show and we really would just have to go to PornHub where things aren’t thinly veiled as “episodic television” and just watch people have sex without any sort of storyline. So I guess finger snaps for like, exposition and stuff.
Still, I’m annoyed that a) this show is basically porn and b) somehow I still finished watching every episode.
Like, here are the rest of us — being tortured on dating apps literally looking for this same good guy husband mother fucker, and she’s like sobbing when her ex texts her. My ex texts me and I’m like, “hmph, this mother fucker” and I delete that shit. Bitch, block his number and if you gonna be writing in your “diary” — you best not save it on your stupid ass DESKTOP labeled “Dear Diary.” Like, it's 2021, we have passwords and shit.
Not to mention how annoying her nipples are. Like, did this show have no budget for bras or nip covers for the scenes she’s actually clothed in?
When her nips are visible, they are like, the only thing you can focus on… Believe it or not, once I complained about this, someone directed me to a Twitter account, dedicated to this woman’s weird ass nipples. I mean, I love not wearing a bra — but my nips aren’t permanently shaped like hardened rose-clay-colored Air Pods.
Alas, the story is predictable: a woman unhappy with 15% of her perfect life, almost blows it all up for a lifetime of drama and Kama Sutra induced orgasms. Honestly, sounds like some dumb shit I would do.
Some final thoughts on the series:
I have a bone to pick with this 85% and 15% ratio, when it comes to “having it all.” Like, are these real numbers? Like, quick… link me to a psychology today article!
Cooper is extra hot in that weird sex party scene, how can whats-her-face look so horrified when a man is THAT hot… even with another woman….
Why does she literally GASP when Brad Facetime’s her his penis? This happens to me all the time. I mean, this ain’t your first rodeo honey — we’ve seen it, you’ve seen it, just what is so shocking?
Is anyone else creeped out that her Best Friend is sleeping with a man she almost married, and that she’s like, cool with it???
Fine, it's not a prosthetic.
Is there a Season 2??
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