Just Sitting Here Watching the Girl on Hulu Who Stole My Date
*entertainment industry adjacent*
If I haven’t said it before, I grew up here in LA. My dad was a music producer, so I’ve sort of been “entertainment industry adjacent” my entire life. I was taught at a young age not to stare at celebrities, not to embarrassingly cheer and clap when dad’s name rolled by on movie credits, and basically to keep my cool at all times, even if I answered the landline and it was Tom Hanks leaving a message.
Artwork by @khalidrahman306
Everyone knows that LA has turned into a cringe-y cesspool of rapper and influencer wannabes who only want to date you or be your friend if you have as the kids say, “connects.” The amount of times I’ve seen an ex-boyfriend dancing in an O-Town music video is just too many times to count. I once saw an ex on-stage on TV at the Grammy’s accepting an award for a song he co-wrote and produced. My first college boyfriend ended up on a Season of that show “Bad Girls.” Another guy I dated was J.J. Abrams’ assistant and our first date was the premiere of “Cloverfield.” I realize this may not be the normal dating experience for everyone out there in the world, but just know that wherever you are, dating here in LA sucks MORE. For the guys who are actually connected or working in the industry — you are bound to see them on TV or in a movie or hear them singing on a song or opening for someone else at a concert, even if you broke up and told them you never wanna see their face again.
Recently, I was scroll-watching some terrible show on Hulu — I think it has sisters who move to LA and one is a lawyer and the other is a tech engineer or something? I was minding my business looking at shoes I can’t afford and there was a blonde woman in the law office scene caught my eye — ”wait, I know this bitch,” I thought to myself, “how do I know her?” This also happens a lot here in LA, where you know someone’s face and can’t quite figure out why the fuck you know them....most of the time, it’s just someone who has the same nose as someone else MORE famous, I kid you not. I mean, how many girls have the token “Instagram face” which is basically Kim Kardashian’s face? But this girl, I like, KNEW her, and not because of plastic surgery reasons… I looked closer...is it? Oof, it is!! That’s that bitch who had dated — actually I should say *stole* a guy I was dating!
I quickly IMDBed this bitch — because yes, as an “entertainment industry adjacent person,” you base everyone around you’s credibility on their IMDB, Wikipedia page or number of spins of their top song on Spotify. So Yes, confirmed, this is that chick who five summers ago basically *stole* this guy I was dating and is legit engaged to him now. And now her face is all up in my chill time plastered across my big screen TV. Like, RUDE.
If you live in LA, there’s this nightclub that hosts musical versions of movies — they used to also workshop shows that needed funding for Broadway. It was not uncommon to have Tracie Thoms standing over you on the bar singing a song from a show that wasn’t out yet. This club was walking distance from my apartment, so my friends and I would hang there to catch these movies-turned-live-musicals, and oftentimes famous people would either be IN the show, or the building watching. I randomly met Joey Fatone from *NSYNC at the bar there once — also pretty sure I molested the sweaty chest of Val what's-his-name from Dancing with the Stars there too.
Anyway, we were watching the musical rendition of a 90’s movie that originally starred Ryan Phillipe and Sarah Michelle Gellar — I’ll let ya’ll figure out what movie that is, so I can avoid stating *actual* names and *actually* telling you/linking to the culprits Instagram account. This show had a very hot dude playing the lead role of Sebastian. Like, way hotter than Ryan Phillipe in the 90’s, and sang like no one I’ve ever heard before — let’s call him “Ryan” in this scenario, because if any of you are private investigators like me, you might be able to figure out who this guy is. Playing the Reese Witherspoon character was this sweet-looking blonde girl, who was also quite good… I hate to admit it, because she’s basically a life-ruiner, but yeah, bich was talented.
After the show, I went up to “Ryan” and told him what a great job he did and we exchanged phone numbers and Instagrams. I don’t wanna say I’m that bitch, but I am that bitch that then took it upon myself to stalk everyone in the cast on social media, as one does, to see if I could figure out if anyone was hooking up behind the scenes — especially “Ryan.” But alas, I could only see that “Reese” had a boyfriend who came to every single show, and hung on every word and breath and fake eyelash flutter that this chick made. So, whatever — we good, “Ryan” appeared super single, at least according to his Instagram.
For a month, we texted back and forth and sent stupid pictures and all the things you do when you first start liking someone. The unfortunate thing was that “Ryan” didn’t live here in LA, he was just staying with friends while he performed, because he had booked a role in a show in NYC and was leaving in the Fall to start his contract. But ever the optimist, I wasn’t going to let a little thing like 3,000 miles stop me from marrying a hot Ryan Phillipe look-alike who would sing me to sleep every night. So I just went with it, and completely ignored the fact that he would be leaving… maybe he would fall so deeply and madly in love with me he would drop all his childhood broadway dreams and decide to stay in LA with me? A girl could dream…
But so also because he was performing every single night at the club in LA to sold out crowds, we were having a hard time planning an official first date. So when I got wind of a “night off” on a Friday night, we were excited to plan our first date….
However, The morning of our planned date, I assume there was some sort of planetary eruption that caused shit to go array. He texted me with some bad news — the cast was going to have a cast party that very same night, so he wouldn’t be able to go out with me afterall. Like, are you frickin’ kidding me? I had waited a full six weeks to have this date, and now he’s totally bailing? I mean, he did have a whole slew of reasons he felt he needed to be there, like, I don’t know, he had played the lead for like three whole months and was in every single performance and was leaving the show and felt he needed to say goodbye to his friends — but that’s besides the point. So I try to figure out if we can meet up AFTER the party — but he says no. I ask him if I can go TO the party with him — he says no.
So I don’t remember exactly how it went down, but I think I drank a whole bottle of wine and went to bed super mad that evening. Like, first of all, who says NO to me? Like, go have fun at your hot tub party with your hot actor friends instead of hanging out with the most fun and amazing girl you will ever meet, i.e. me — but whatever. The next morning I was anger-scrolling through Instagram and I see a photo of the cast in the hot tub — and whaddya know, “Reese” is sitting on “Ryan’s” lap in the hot tub. How like, completely coincidental.
If I were a DJ, there’d be a big cliche record scratch here.
Again, my private investigator hat went on and I was watching IG stories of people I’ve never heard of or seen and didn't care to know — looking for other clues of just what might have gone down at this party.
Next thing you know, I’m being ghosted by “Ryan” and I’m thinking well, that was that. But OF COURSE with the great luck I have with dating, “Reese” announces on her Instagram that she too, is moving to NYC — with her brand new boyfriend, “Ryan.”
Dear Universe. Like, are you fucking kidding me right now?
It turns out, that that poor little puppy dog of a man who was her former boyfriend, following her to the nightclub every night, had broken up with her. And “Ryan” must have known she was coming to the cast party as a newly single gal….and likely had a crush on this bich and her fake eyelashes the entire three months he was in the show with her, which explains all the “No’s” I was getting when I still trying to keep the date and seal the deal that I had worked SO hard for.
Just so not ideal.
After a few months, I finally stopped following both of them — they’re one of those couples who takes a zillion photos doing obnoxiously cute poses in various places and I just couldn’t take it anymore. A year later, they got engaged and she booked some job in a Broadway show and this is already more than I wanted to write about the bitch, but she is the one who invaded MY living room with her pretty face — so I deserve to have a moment to just like, accept it.
So fine, whatever — they could be a totally perfect match and this was the way things were supposed to be. I did find out later he was a Pisces, and we probably would have ended up breaking up for astrological reasons, but I digress. Now, this bitch is on my TV pretending to be an “actress” and I’m back to anger-scrolling even though I’m half-happy that she’s on some Hulu show that probably no one watches except my mother when she’s folding her laundry.
I suppose it could have been worse. Ironically, even though I’ve lived here my entire life, I’ve never been one of those girls who had to sign an NDA to date a famous person and then watch his ass on stage at the Oscars or somewhere completely inescapable. Though, I have seen an ex’s face on a Billboard before — so there’s THAT. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I’ve only managed to have dates with C-listers, backup dancers, ex-emo stars and like, a handful of music producers.
I’ve still never been accepted to Raya either — which despite what people say about it, I still wanna try it just to say I’ve actually tried them ALL. I mean, maybe I’ll get to date a B-lister who is at LEAST a recurring character across seasons on Netflix... (If anyone has Raya connects, you know where to find me.)
For now, I’m excited that blondie is NOT a recurring character on the Hulu show — because the main character got fired from the law office when she didn’t pass the bar, or something dumb like that (sorry if any of you are writers on that show…. ) So at least now, I can scroll-watch whatever I want, until my next ex pops up somewhere….
If you are into video chatting your dates, be sure to check out Eyelinez: cute stickers for your devices so you know where the hell to look when you are Facetiming your hot new date.
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