Speed Dating IRL makes you feel you’re either gonna barf or shit your pants…

...But VIRTUAL Speed Dating…

I was on a zoom call with Zach Schleien, founder of new dating app Filter Off, who was explaining to me that it was the “anti-catfishing app,” when I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes like a total biotch. Worst of all, I think he probably saw my giant eye roll and probably thought I was a total biotch. And really, I am — but that’s beside the point. Zach is a cute lil tech entrepreneur from NYC. I’m completely guessing here, but he seems like one of those dudes who only wears hoodies and understands what “fix it on the backend” means. He’s also funny, seems to know where to find the best Gluten Free pizza in BK, and doesn’t seem to brag about how much bitcoin or dogecoin he has in his LinkedIn bio, which makes me think it's weird that he’s single… 

Zach was trying to convince me to try Filter Off — claiming that it was LiKe No OtHeR ApP oUt ThEre.  He explained it to me as: there’s no swiping, you don’t even get to see a photo of your potential dates until they pop up for your video date. I mean, this could potentially be horrifying depending on how you look at things — like, it could be an anxiety attack just waiting to happen. 

Artwork by @khalidrahman306

But just a quick reminder that I photograph badly — you can’t see how ridiculously funny and entertaining I am in any photo I’ve ever taken, and mostly I just have a weird smile and my eyes smash together weirdly when I do try to smile. I’m also clearly very humble. It’s no wonder I don’t get a lot of matches on the other apps, eh? 

But Zach says to me this app is made for people exactly like me — because they won’t have the chance to see my terrible photos (my words, not his…), just me in real time, on video, for 2-3 minutes. When our video date ends, we just hit “Like” or “Pass”, and if we both “like” each other, a message box will open up and we can continue chatting. In theory, it sounds sort of ground-breaking — because unlike anything else in our entire universe right now, it doesn’t revolve around what you look like or how well you can Facetune and filter your selfies, because while I love photoshop, SKIN HAS TEXTURE, and I don’t want you to be alarmed about my pores when I meet you IRL. 

So I admit, at first, I was skeptical. I hung up from that zoom thinking, “absolutely no fucking way am I going to virtually speed date.” But then my cynical little brain thought about it and was like, “Ok Zachary, I accept this challenge...” and I began to build my army of single girls across the nation who were willing to try the app out with me, and because I’m an asshole, I wanted to see if it was just like all the other apps or if really was LiKe No OtHeR ApP oUt ThEre. So we gathered in a Facebook group — single women from Detroit, Austin, Brooklyn, San Francisco and more — all ready to try it out and give me their feedback. 

Mind you, all these ladies have had a similar last year — shitty dating app experiences, especially during lockdown, spanning from bad dick pics to ghosting and everything in between. So everyone in the group was ready to experience something different, and you could feel the excitement through our little FB conversations. If I wasn’t so cynical, I would say this was cute. 

We planned our event for a Saturday night, for ALL of the U.S. — and my friend Ana joined me IRL for the evening so we could compare notes, right from two different rooms. We only got dressed from the waist up, which is a major “pro” for any date — I mean, I get to wear sweatpants while I go on 15 dates?! HELL YES.

Full transparency, I’ve never been speed dating IRL — like ever. It just seems really embarrassing, and it gives me that feeling like the night before you had to give a presentation in Junior High, where you can’t tell if you wanna barf or shit your pants. Ana explained to me that Real Life Speed Dating is fucking terrible, especially if you go with a friend, because you end up matching with the same guys. She basically explained it as: There’s always a top 5% of men in the room, so almost all the women choose the same guys. We also came to the speculative conclusion that men at speed dating events, probably hit “like” on every single woman they meet because they know it's a numbers game, regardless of if they actually plan to call you. Alas, in the end — you’ll likely be driving home with your girlfriends and talking about the exact same dudes, and be depressed because he may like your friend better than you, or call her back and not you. 

My other friend Sarah said that her IRL speed dating experience was even WORSE — because the guys would walk in, do a lap to check out the girls, and LEAVE before they even met with anyone if they didn’t see anyone they considered to be HOT. Sounds truly terrible. Maybe almost worse than just matching with some idiot on Bumble and having him ruin your night instead.

A few minutes before our event started, I counted fifteen dates in my queue — all timed out for three minutes each. I think it was in this moment I guzzled an entire glass of wine as I nervously awaited a random dude's face to appear on my phone. The first guy, had some strange hair, sort of like when a baby awakens from a nap — and his first question was something to the effect of: “Will you have a problem dating a divorced man with a fifteen year old daughter?” I suppose he gets points for honesty and not wasting any time beating around the bush, but uh, this was awkward as an ice breaker. Good thing this is only three minutes of my life. And just imagine all that wasted time if I had to like, chat for a couple days, talk on the phone, and THEN meet him in-person just to judge his crazy hair and decide that’s-gonna-be-a-no-for-me-dawg. 

So then I started to get the hang of it: a lawyer from Toronto; a writer from Georgia; a researcher at Stanford. Maybe the most interesting thing is that I didn’t feel like I had to say much, these guys basically would “pitch” themselves as if I were Shonda Rhimes looking for my next hit streaming show. I felt extremely popular. There were a few: “I’m a rapper and a director and an actor and I’ll send you my IMDB and soundcloud links if you hit “Like”” type of guys, a few “Go ahead baby, what was you saying? I’m at work on my break….” types, and even a few who seemed to only have one eye as they peered a little too closely into the camera. I suppose from any dating pool, you’ll have a ratio of duds — but at least in this case, you’re forced to have a conversation to see if you had any chemistry whatsoever before subjecting yourself to actually having to get FULLY dressed and hall your cookies to an actual restaurant, and like, wear shoes (ew), and hang out with the guy for way longer than three minutes. 

Now, for this particular event, my goal was to try to find a hot zaddy boyfriend in every major city — and also, to see what everyone else was experiencing, because the LA dating experience just cannot be compared to other cities (because we have all the influencers, actors, models, and Kardashians here). AND, you never know if my ultimate soulmate is hiding somewhere in the backwoods of North Carolina…. So alas, I didn’t meet a single guy from LA. But, maybe this was a good thing? 

I had a few no shows — which was weird, because either they opened the video and saw my drunken face and hung up on me, or just decided to cancel because they were exhausted from pitching themselves over and over again. My last date was probably my favorite, I will only refer to him as “Billy Rambo” (not his real handle or name) because his opening line was about how much he “loved Rambo” and our banter involved me wondering why he didn’t come to our date with an artillery sash and a headband. Like, missed opportunity. I admit I had had a LOT of wine by this point, so I don’t fully recall what was said — but I did hit “like” just to see what he would message me with after that hilarious interaction. 

In our Girl-Army Zoom-slash-FB Group conversation at the end of the evening, most of the girls didn’t hate the experience — in fact, most of them were going to find events in their cities and try it again! Ana excitedly signed up for a dog lovers event so that she could talk about her dog for a whole hour, which sounds like a plus to me. The other girls mentioned that they wished the men in our event had made more effort to show up with better lighting and at least comb their hair — but, alas, that’s not the app's fault, that’s just like, a man problem in general. Will any of us find love on Filter Off? Who knows. But if you are a stickler for efficiency, this app will def make it so you can meet 15 men in one event and cut out a LOT of the BS in between. Bonus: NO DICK PICS. REJOICE. 

Zachary is probably reading this in his WeWork office in NYC, drinking a latte from some hipster coffee place only the tech kids know about. Do we think Filter off is a winner? Do we think it’s better than Bumble? You should probably try it and find out… 

In closing, I will indulge you with a few lines of my intimate conversation with “Billy Rambo”:

BILLY: You are a trip. I didn’t get a chance to ask about dat big booty!

ME: its BIG

BILLY: if you feel sexy, you look sexy!

If you are into video chatting your dates, be sure to check out Eyelinez: cute stickers for your devices so you know where the hell to look when you are Facetiming your hot new date.

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