My Bad Date with a Rockstar, Dissected by a Professional

This ain’t no advice column… but also, some good dating advice…

A few months ago, I posted an essay about how I gave gifts to this ex-emo-rockstar (can you guess who he is?) who basically rejected me. Ok, like he DID reject me. Being the emotional mess that I am only on the inside, I still too often think about just what the f*ck I did wrong to not deserve his undying love, a couple of hit songs about me, and a minimum three month engagement and very public breakup at the very least… I mean, girl, I did the time. I worked for that sh*t, and then some completely random girl from a country pop group has that ring on! It’s just so not ideal. 

So to examine my pitfalls, I went to Three Day Rule Matchmaker, and dating expert Devyn Simone, who like, does this for a living. I gave her the deets on the sitch, because I can admit when I’m wrong… (I think?), but also because it would be nice to have a rockstar zaddy who’ll give ME all the gifts next time. Also, I’m attending her Bright Session tomorrow so that I can learn professional dating skills, because based on this newsletter, I should not be let out of my house.

The Setup 

Rockstar and I met at a music festival and for a few months, we would chat over DM, exchange music, and flirt. We bonded over stupid videos of me singing his old hits while wearing a Christmas onesie. The first time we hung out, I brought him a present (a really dumb silk travel pillow and eye mask that I saw that Tom Brady, his favorite player had, that a PR friend gave to me to give to him). He seemed thankful, and seemed to think it was funny I had remembered he loved Tom Brady so much… also, weird that he likes Tom Brady so much.

Where Sh*t Went Sideways? 

We had had a truly deep conversation about how much he really liked vintage baseball jackets. I happened to have an original replica of the jacket Ryan Gosling wears in the movie Drive. I brought it over and said I wanted him to have it, because it seemed like he would like it. (and also, I needed him to STOP wearing that disgusting NASCAR jacket he kept wearing on stage). That night, he was meeting a friend of his to go indoor rock climbing, and I said something like, “You should bail on him and we can hang out and watch a movie and pick up some wine…”

Nothing too sus, but dude seemed weirded out that I’d request such a thing. I even suggested the live-action “Beauty and The Beast,” the only movie he claimed to have ever cried during. But I guess this was some sort of blasphemous request, because he was like, visibly hurt.

Nail in The Coffin 

A few weeks later, he invited me to a party he was having to celebrate his album release, and I sent him a single rose in a box the morning after to congratulate him — you know, one of those cheesy ones that supposedly stays alive forever (See this previous post about how stupid that went). For whatever reason, he “claimed” he didn’t know it was from me. Something about it not having a card or some little white lie that was not believable in any shape or form. For a rockstar, he was a terrible liar. He then later on said something like, “I feel like gifts are a deposit on wanting something back, and I don’t like that,” and then added, “I also don’t like bailing on my friends for wine nights.” 

Uh….. ok? Most people like gifts. And wine. And most people’s friends encourage them to drink wine with the opposite sex. But you do you, Bae.

Bye Bich 

Clearly, I had missed the “he’s just not that into you” vibes. But also, ew, I’m like the most caring and thoughtful person of all time and you’re like, scolding me for wanting to impress you! First of all, your record label should have thanked me for giving you a better jacket to wear on stage. Second of all, wine over indoor rock climbing like, always, you psychopath. But just to nail the thing shut, a few months after not hearing from him at all, and assuming things were done, he randomly texted and said he “lost his Silk Tom Brady Mask” and could I “possibly get him another”…. like, are you f*cking joking me.

So Where Did I go Wrong? 

Devyn did her investigation, and when I asked “Was I rude for telling him to bail on his friend?” she told me, “You did not come off rude at all. Yes, you did miss some cues that he wasn't that into you.” 

Whomp.

She then explained, “He was doing nothing deserving of your time, affection, or attention. Those gifts, that time and energy that you were giving him — all of that equates to seeds, watering, and investment that you could be putting into yourself or a relationship that is worthy of you. He was like the guy at Costco who keeps coming around for the free samples with no intentions to buy. Don’t give away free samples of your time or affection. He has to earn it! If a guy is into you, you will know — He won't just be inviting you to big group gatherings. He will prioritize spending time with you and you won't feel the need to suggest him blowing off his friends. Also, his attitude likely changed because he may have thought you gave him that second gift (the Ryan Gosling jacket) and then asked/expected something of him in return (changing his plans). His interpretation was likely different from yours — especially if he wasn’t committed to pursuing you romantically.”

Ok, Ok — so maybe I like, overdid it. I gave him the “wife” sh*t before he was even officially my man. Also, ew, I don’t wanna be like Costco, I’m a Trader Joe’s at the very least! 

Devyn continued, “Rule of thumb: you don't give “wifey” behavior to a man that deserves a high five on the street. He’d done nothing to really earn such an amazing gift from you. You’re someone who is thoughtful and kind - I love that about you, but while you’re busy caring for others - it’s important to remember to give to yourself. That means giving one small gift - if that’s your thing - with no expectation, but not continuing to give and give to someone who takes your thoughtfulness for granted.”

Ok, sigh. She right, she right. And about that ridiculous flower I sent? :::insert facepalm here::: 

“He likely lied about getting that flower,” she says. “I'm sure he got that first one with the card and knew it was from you. It sounds like he started feeling guilty that he wasn’t reciprocating because you'd been kind and thoughtful, but he knew in his mind that he wasn’t actually at a place to do those things for you in the way that you deserve. In the same way, he got weird the night of the Gosling jacket, he spun not responding to the rose with the comment about gifts being a “deposit.” In reality, you basically started treating him like your boyfriend and he was uncomfortable with that because he did not see you as his girlfriend. And that is not all on you — many of us have done it at some point, but we all have to be careful with that. Between the rose, the jacket, and the eye mask — that’s a lot for someone who doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. He realized that he was getting a lot without having to work for any of it.”

But then, perhaps the best advice I’ve ever heard, by which I’ve decided Devyn is a genius: “It’s like a cake. You take it out of the oven...and...it tastes terrible. You put in the effort. You planned the best you could. But maybe it has one too many ingredients, maybe it was overcooked, maybe you mixed up the sugar and the salt. But when it’s bad, you don’t keep adding salt and sugar to try to make it taste better. You don’t keep giving it more presents, I mean...ingredients :)  and trying harder to make it taste right. No, you throw the thing out, you start from scratch, you reread the instructions, you come up with a different game plan.”

So…. what you’re saying is…. I should just buy more gifts for… myself??? As Cher (the movie character, not the singer) once said, I’m totally buggin’. 

“When we recognize a pattern where your time and energy are not being reciprocated, it's time to move on and stop trying to make that same cake work that clearly wasn't working before. Maybe you buy a different brand of cake mix, or better ingredients, or different measuring cups. Bottom line, it’s time to recalibrate just a little bit. Take some of that investment you’re putting in other people and in relationships with guys who aren’t on the same page — and start from scratch. I promise you, you'll get better results.” 

So, I guess that solves that: Men probably DO like flowers, they just don’t like ME. But also, Devyn is sharing more dating skills and tips for girls like me who can’t get it together tomorrow, Wednesday 5/26/21 (at 5:30 PST) in her Bright Session which you can sign up for HERE.

I don’t know about you, but I will definitely be there to hear more things about cake… I mean, dating. 

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